Well tonight, I did it....this 33 year old mother threw a fit......shaking tightly gripped hands, toes curled, hot tears streaming, jaw hurting from over enunciated words, body rocking back and forth....tonight was a gut wrenching cry of frustration, hurt and anger to a heavenly father that I know is always there but I WANTED and NEEDED to feel him now! I needed to get his attention, I wanted and demanded it...For those of you who know about the Happiest Toddler on the block, you know that during the time that your toddler is throwing a fit to get your attention, you go to them, place yourself on the floor, flat on your back, right beside that screaming toddler. Its then that you begin to throw a fit right along with them. Soon enough your toddler realizes what you are doing. Distracted, they look at you either because they have your attention and you are sympathizing and speaking thier language or they stop and wonder just what in the world you are doing. Youre the parent, you are supposed to be in control! Get a grip mom! Pull it together!
Realize that the God that knew you before you were born, knows you! You have his full attention! He comes to lay beside you, not stand over you, while you hurt...He hurts right along side you...Even when there are no words to describe your feelings, your thoughts, he feels you. And all the sudden you can feel him with a calm of, "Ive got you, get a grip, grab hold of me!"

Whats your breaking point......?

"Once in a while it really hits people that they don’t have to experience the world in the way they have been told to." - Alan Keightley

I haven't visited my blog a whole lot as of lately...but those pesky one liner blog topics whinde themselves through my head and heart all the time. so tonight, i reached out, and grabbed one of those one liners. i have decided to let it flow from my fingers and find their way to your mind, and if I'm privileged enough, your hearts.

I grew up a preachers kid, sometimes even as a 32 year old woman I think I'm still growing up as a preachers kid. I find myself struggling between my own thoughts and views on things with how I was told to believe. Its the struggle between these two views that I have found my breaking point.....

I have this really great piece of furniture that I just bought...Its an antique buffet cabinet. I am a person that loves the feel of old things. when I saw this piece I immediately started thinking of a woman being leaned up against the buffet by her husband for a long kiss hello or pulling out the Christmas dishes that had been stored all year. Because this piece of furniture has seen so much since it was created, its taken on a new purpose and form each time its changed hands. The people that I had purchased this piece from decided to paint it off white with a brown top. And as i was placing some of my belongings in this cabinet the other day I noticed a break in the wood in the far back corner of the bottom shelf ...the break in this wood just happened to be the right size for me to slide a plug through so i could plug my all too important ipod dock into the wall behind the cabinet. I had found my perfect cabinets breaking point, but that breaking point wasn't an imperfection or a weakness in the cabinet it was a welcomed break that opened the door into yet another use for this 55 year old cabinet. This cabinet is no longer what it was created to be. In my home, this cabinet is providing a place of entertainment, the TV, wii, DVD player, countless children's DVDs and storage for the ipod dock is now its chosen destiny.

I'm just discovering my breaking point..a new outlook, new perspective on life, love, God and myself...i can appreciate so very much the foundation i was raised with, even though my life started out in one form, doesn't mean I have to see myself as breaking or cracking because I am seeing things differently. I need to be someone that needs to find a new outlook and fresh perspective on life, discover new things, question the things I was taught to believe. I need to discover a Christ that is how I view him and know him not how I am told to view him or know him.

Just like this buffet cabinet was created to store dishes and provide a place for party trays, has now ended up to be an entertainment cabinet....this mind, this body, my soul is at a beautiful breaking point, a point that I'm beginning to find my new purpose.

a moment of Selah....

"It's not comfortable being real. It's really just not fun acknowledging that there is nothing, nothing good inside of me, in my flesh. If it were not for God, I am beyond help."

I have been working on this word...Selah, in the scripture it takes on lots of different meanings....from a pause in music..to a moment of stillness. I very rarely have a moment of stillness in my life at the moment, both outwardly and inwardly. Sometimes I think Christ has a way of overwhelming my thoughts, my soul and my day as a way for me to shut down from over load so that he can bring me to my knees. Sadly, as of lately, I haven't been on my knees, or on my face for that matter. My life at the moment is at such a crossroads...sometimes I lean in the wrong direction, I seek advice, love and acceptance from the wrong places. The end result is a bruised and batter Jesus, who i can see in the distance with his hands in the air, as if to say, "jilly what about me, i know you inside and out?" I NEED to discover the me that Christ wants me to be, i think only then will I find who I truly am in my everyday life but especially during the crossroad times.

Today my sweet girl finished her level 1 swim class. For weeks I have been thinking back to when I very first started my swim lessons. I can remember how horrified I was and how untrusting I was. I can also remember how impatient my mom was, God bless her though. I knew that for Lydia I wanted to be a calm but strong voice of comfort to her. I want her to know that she can do all things through Christ. We would have prayer before every class thanking God for healthy bodies that allow us to swim and for patience and bravery. Its a great feeling that on our drives home from swim lessons, she would say mommy God made me brave and strong today......
At the end of my day, everyday, I want to know that I trusted solely on my savior, nobody else. I want nothing more than to be able to put my face to the floor and say, "Heavenly Father, you made me brave and strong today"

Listen to Gypsy Souled

Precious Treasure

One day this week I got to shop with my favorite little shopper, my sweet Lydia. I love shopping with her, we walk slow, take our time to discuss every interesting thing that we see and the best part is she is my cheering section, "mommy you look so pretty in that dress" the dress that showed every bump and bulge that I somehow don't care is there when she is around, simply because she helped create those for the 9 months that we were attached :) This shopping trip went very different. I had to discuss something with Lydia that I didn't want to have to talk about just yet.....we witnessed a very young couple arguing and sadly it turned physical. I sat there with tears in my eyes and starting to dial 911. My heart hurt for this girl that obviously has had to give up so much in her life for this boy....her self worth and the realization that she is so very precious, so precious she should be handled like a treasure, because God created her. I can imagine she has had to give up friends and family who have seen the hurt in her eyes because of this boy. I can just imagine the "he loves me mom", "I wish you could know him like I know him", "I don't know why he is doing this"......excuses I have said, excuses I have heard other loved ones close to me say...my thoughts immediately turned to the precious girl sitting safely in her car seat behind me...the precious girl with big grey dough eyes that hold so much innocence, the sweetest little face, the most treasured heart with a very loving soul. I want to keep her forever seat belted safely in the car with me forever....I began to explained to her that what the boy was doing to that girl was wrong...for the past 3 years or so, I have recited over and over to her that "the boy you marry has to love Jesus with all his heart, love your mommy and daddy, and treat you like a treasure". I do my very best everyday to praise Lydia, to tell her where her true beauty is...its in her laugh, the kindness of her words, her happy heart, her talents and her love for the Jesus that gives her the ULTIMATE love! I hope she can find confidence in knowing that someone long ago thought so highly of her, that loves her so much, that he gave his life for her.....I hope that that kind of love, action and affection will trump any boy that comes into her life that tries to deny her self worth, a relationship with friends and family. Thank you Jesus for Lydia, help me everyday to show her your love......SIDE NOTE....girls if you have a relationship that has cost you your self worth, cost you relationships in your life because of his controlling behavior, ask God to show you how incredibly special you are!! YOU ARE!!

Writem Off?!

Psalm 139:13-14
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.


Maybe this will be one of those blogs that come across as mean and harsh, my tone right now is anything but.......I am speaking from the heart, a heart that is heavy with grief and struggling. Maybe through this rant, those of you with prying eyes will have a heart that can relate.
I have had my fair share of heartaches here lately. Is that what life is about?? Really? Do I really have to learn my lessons with my heart broken? I pride myself in being a very passionate person...I was always told growing up I was too "dramatic" it was always such a negative thing that I learned to try and bottle up, ultimately who i am. As life has gone on, I have found I can no longer internalize my dramatics and still be called a passionate person. I have risked a lot here recently with being so passionate and open with how I feel about things. And its changed my life and the life of those close to me. When I asked someone close to me if I was too dramatic, the answer that followed was both healing and empowering...."the world would be a very boring place with out dramatic people." Healing, empowering and freeing. With just that statement i became comfortable in my skin for the first time. I feel free to create, free to speak, feel, free to express and think. I do think there is a down side, I spoke my mind and heart freely, sometimes in anger, that now has cost me a relationship and my daughter a relationship. do I regret my dramatic tirade......good question, that is the answer that needs some more soul searching.....i certainly regret the outcome, that the person I expressed my feeling towards didn't take into account who i am and what i was feeling. I made my self very vulnerable to a friend that was my very best friend in the whole world, someone that I thought totally understood me and everything I am......in the end I feel nothing but used by this person, I spoke my heart and mind only in the end to be rejected and left with the feeling of helplessness. So, do i regret opening myself up to this friend even though it has caused me great heartache and put other relationships on the line........I don't know, again more soul searching. With both these instances, I said what meant and meant what I said at the expense of hurt. I know me, obviously I don't know these other two people, do I write them off? I cant tell them what I am thinking and feeling anymore cause in the past I have and where has it gotten me, angry frustrated and hurt. Denying who i am, stuffing down the passionate side of me again to appease certain people may rob me of who I am now, someone who I am happy with ultimately. I am angry with these people who I feel are trying to put me back in a passionless box. When I think on everything that I have gained by expressing who I am I'm not sure I am willing to sacrifice that for the small few.

Waiting..

Isa 40:31 Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.

Its been forever and some Sundays since I have written but what to write hasn't been far from my thoughts. My fingers have been busy doing crafty things...thank you Jesus for the joy you bring me through crafting. To sum up what is going on around me and in me right now is..waiting. Right now I am waiting to see if the howling cold wind will blow in the snow and ice that will keep me from friends and family in Arizona that my heart literally aches to see. I suppose right now everyone can relate to waiting, it is Christmas! Ti's the season for long lines in the mall, waiting to open those pretty presents under the tree. Or maybe for some your heart is waiting to heal. A year ago today, I lost a very important woman in my life and ministry to cancer. I know her family is waiting on their hearts to heal, and waiting for the time that they will be able to pass by her favorite furniture store, this lady LOVED furniture :), and not want to cry. I find myself waiting on a heart and family to heal and answers to whats next. Even though waiting is hard and sometimes painful, I feel like I have to make the most of the waiting period. I have come to find in my life that trials or waiting, have been my time to grow closest to a God that wants to keep me company and be an ever present friend while i am waiting in the "waiting line". I believe in Isiah 40:31, if you are actively praying and pursuing the will of Christ while you are waiting he gives me patience, strength and energy. I feel like when I am not asking my partner in line for his guidance and trying to do things my way, i get frustrated, angry, hurt, sick and defeated. All of these things are NOT what Jesus wants for me, I am his child, he is my fortress and strength. So if you find yourself waiting and hurting, ask God to come stand in the waiting line with you, chit chat with him about the desires of your heart, all the while knowing that when your waiting is over your reward is so sweet. Just like those gifts under your tree!! Thank you God for the blessings you have given me during the waiting.... O (yeah you, good Lord woman), Spiritual Gifts that you use to help heal me and the people I meet because of what you enable me to do, and my precious little girl.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I hope this year instead of waiting on God you will be pursuing a relationship with him!