Sunday, June 6, 2010
Precious Treasure
One day this week I got to shop with my favorite little shopper, my sweet Lydia. I love shopping with her, we walk slow, take our time to discuss every interesting thing that we see and the best part is she is my cheering section, "mommy you look so pretty in that dress" the dress that showed every bump and bulge that I somehow don't care is there when she is around, simply because she helped create those for the 9 months that we were attached :) This shopping trip went very different. I had to discuss something with Lydia that I didn't want to have to talk about just yet.....we witnessed a very young couple arguing and sadly it turned physical. I sat there with tears in my eyes and starting to dial 911. My heart hurt for this girl that obviously has had to give up so much in her life for this boy....her self worth and the realization that she is so very precious, so precious she should be handled like a treasure, because God created her. I can imagine she has had to give up friends and family who have seen the hurt in her eyes because of this boy. I can just imagine the "he loves me mom", "I wish you could know him like I know him", "I don't know why he is doing this"......excuses I have said, excuses I have heard other loved ones close to me say...my thoughts immediately turned to the precious girl sitting safely in her car seat behind me...the precious girl with big grey dough eyes that hold so much innocence, the sweetest little face, the most treasured heart with a very loving soul. I want to keep her forever seat belted safely in the car with me forever....I began to explained to her that what the boy was doing to that girl was wrong...for the past 3 years or so, I have recited over and over to her that "the boy you marry has to love Jesus with all his heart, love your mommy and daddy, and treat you like a treasure". I do my very best everyday to praise Lydia, to tell her where her true beauty is...its in her laugh, the kindness of her words, her happy heart, her talents and her love for the Jesus that gives her the ULTIMATE love! I hope she can find confidence in knowing that someone long ago thought so highly of her, that loves her so much, that he gave his life for her.....I hope that that kind of love, action and affection will trump any boy that comes into her life that tries to deny her self worth, a relationship with friends and family. Thank you Jesus for Lydia, help me everyday to show her your love......SIDE NOTE....girls if you have a relationship that has cost you your self worth, cost you relationships in your life because of his controlling behavior, ask God to show you how incredibly special you are!! YOU ARE!!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Writem Off?!
Psalm 139:13-14
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Maybe this will be one of those blogs that come across as mean and harsh, my tone right now is anything but.......I am speaking from the heart, a heart that is heavy with grief and struggling. Maybe through this rant, those of you with prying eyes will have a heart that can relate.
I have had my fair share of heartaches here lately. Is that what life is about?? Really? Do I really have to learn my lessons with my heart broken? I pride myself in being a very passionate person...I was always told growing up I was too "dramatic" it was always such a negative thing that I learned to try and bottle up, ultimately who i am. As life has gone on, I have found I can no longer internalize my dramatics and still be called a passionate person. I have risked a lot here recently with being so passionate and open with how I feel about things. And its changed my life and the life of those close to me. When I asked someone close to me if I was too dramatic, the answer that followed was both healing and empowering...."the world would be a very boring place with out dramatic people." Healing, empowering and freeing. With just that statement i became comfortable in my skin for the first time. I feel free to create, free to speak, feel, free to express and think. I do think there is a down side, I spoke my mind and heart freely, sometimes in anger, that now has cost me a relationship and my daughter a relationship. do I regret my dramatic tirade......good question, that is the answer that needs some more soul searching.....i certainly regret the outcome, that the person I expressed my feeling towards didn't take into account who i am and what i was feeling. I made my self very vulnerable to a friend that was my very best friend in the whole world, someone that I thought totally understood me and everything I am......in the end I feel nothing but used by this person, I spoke my heart and mind only in the end to be rejected and left with the feeling of helplessness. So, do i regret opening myself up to this friend even though it has caused me great heartache and put other relationships on the line........I don't know, again more soul searching. With both these instances, I said what meant and meant what I said at the expense of hurt. I know me, obviously I don't know these other two people, do I write them off? I cant tell them what I am thinking and feeling anymore cause in the past I have and where has it gotten me, angry frustrated and hurt. Denying who i am, stuffing down the passionate side of me again to appease certain people may rob me of who I am now, someone who I am happy with ultimately. I am angry with these people who I feel are trying to put me back in a passionless box. When I think on everything that I have gained by expressing who I am I'm not sure I am willing to sacrifice that for the small few.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Maybe this will be one of those blogs that come across as mean and harsh, my tone right now is anything but.......I am speaking from the heart, a heart that is heavy with grief and struggling. Maybe through this rant, those of you with prying eyes will have a heart that can relate.
I have had my fair share of heartaches here lately. Is that what life is about?? Really? Do I really have to learn my lessons with my heart broken? I pride myself in being a very passionate person...I was always told growing up I was too "dramatic" it was always such a negative thing that I learned to try and bottle up, ultimately who i am. As life has gone on, I have found I can no longer internalize my dramatics and still be called a passionate person. I have risked a lot here recently with being so passionate and open with how I feel about things. And its changed my life and the life of those close to me. When I asked someone close to me if I was too dramatic, the answer that followed was both healing and empowering...."the world would be a very boring place with out dramatic people." Healing, empowering and freeing. With just that statement i became comfortable in my skin for the first time. I feel free to create, free to speak, feel, free to express and think. I do think there is a down side, I spoke my mind and heart freely, sometimes in anger, that now has cost me a relationship and my daughter a relationship. do I regret my dramatic tirade......good question, that is the answer that needs some more soul searching.....i certainly regret the outcome, that the person I expressed my feeling towards didn't take into account who i am and what i was feeling. I made my self very vulnerable to a friend that was my very best friend in the whole world, someone that I thought totally understood me and everything I am......in the end I feel nothing but used by this person, I spoke my heart and mind only in the end to be rejected and left with the feeling of helplessness. So, do i regret opening myself up to this friend even though it has caused me great heartache and put other relationships on the line........I don't know, again more soul searching. With both these instances, I said what meant and meant what I said at the expense of hurt. I know me, obviously I don't know these other two people, do I write them off? I cant tell them what I am thinking and feeling anymore cause in the past I have and where has it gotten me, angry frustrated and hurt. Denying who i am, stuffing down the passionate side of me again to appease certain people may rob me of who I am now, someone who I am happy with ultimately. I am angry with these people who I feel are trying to put me back in a passionless box. When I think on everything that I have gained by expressing who I am I'm not sure I am willing to sacrifice that for the small few.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Waiting..
Isa 40:31 Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
Its been forever and some Sundays since I have written but what to write hasn't been far from my thoughts. My fingers have been busy doing crafty things...thank you Jesus for the joy you bring me through crafting. To sum up what is going on around me and in me right now is..waiting. Right now I am waiting to see if the howling cold wind will blow in the snow and ice that will keep me from friends and family in Arizona that my heart literally aches to see. I suppose right now everyone can relate to waiting, it is Christmas! Ti's the season for long lines in the mall, waiting to open those pretty presents under the tree. Or maybe for some your heart is waiting to heal. A year ago today, I lost a very important woman in my life and ministry to cancer. I know her family is waiting on their hearts to heal, and waiting for the time that they will be able to pass by her favorite furniture store, this lady LOVED furniture :), and not want to cry. I find myself waiting on a heart and family to heal and answers to whats next. Even though waiting is hard and sometimes painful, I feel like I have to make the most of the waiting period. I have come to find in my life that trials or waiting, have been my time to grow closest to a God that wants to keep me company and be an ever present friend while i am waiting in the "waiting line". I believe in Isiah 40:31, if you are actively praying and pursuing the will of Christ while you are waiting he gives me patience, strength and energy. I feel like when I am not asking my partner in line for his guidance and trying to do things my way, i get frustrated, angry, hurt, sick and defeated. All of these things are NOT what Jesus wants for me, I am his child, he is my fortress and strength. So if you find yourself waiting and hurting, ask God to come stand in the waiting line with you, chit chat with him about the desires of your heart, all the while knowing that when your waiting is over your reward is so sweet. Just like those gifts under your tree!! Thank you God for the blessings you have given me during the waiting.... O (yeah you, good Lord woman), Spiritual Gifts that you use to help heal me and the people I meet because of what you enable me to do, and my precious little girl.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I hope this year instead of waiting on God you will be pursuing a relationship with him!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
As far as the east is from the west..Really?
In my former life, after 4 years and a child it feels like a different life, I was director of a childrens weekday ministry program at a church in my area. While I was there, i discovered my love for scripture and writing. After leaving I have gotten out of the habit. I have longed since to feel the presence of Christ like I did during my time in the ministry. And I have found myself wondering how I have strayed so far from Christ. At my lowest I had dinner with a friend, she told me to start writting like I had when I was at the church, she said start a blog. I have heard that from several people since. So the good, the bad, and the sinfully ugly is what you will get in my writting. I look forward to getting reaquainted with my heavenly Father and seek healing through this as I write what is on my heart.
Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far has he put our sins from us.
When I say I have strayed away from Christ, I mean I have S-T-R-A-Y-E-D, strayed. I have felt strangled by my sin, I find it hard to forgive myself, and look at myself as worthy to even ask Jesus for forgiveness or a healing in my life. My sin i feel has cost others a great deal in my life, see when I am feeling convicted of something I am the Queen of displaced anger, I can easily take what I'm thinking out on others. Because of my sin its been easy for me to be a stumbling block in my friends walk with christ, for those of you who are reading this, I ask for your forgivenss and ask that we get a chance to chat about it. Its very easy for me to get angry about things around me, family for not being there, "friends" who are believers but haven't seen a sister in christ hurting enough to reach out or even invite to a bible study or thier church or church function, and finally God for his voice not being the loudest voice that I hear right now when I need his answers and touch so much. In all of this the common denominator for my feelings of anger and frustration is SIN and ultimatly FAITH is what will heal me... I need to remember that Jesus died for my sin, "he knew me before I was born", "he knows my comings and my goings". I need to forgive me, because Jesus forgives me, he doesn't want his child to feel defeated, angry or frustrated....I serve a God of mercy and love. I pray that you and I can find Gods grace and mercy.
Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far has he put our sins from us.
Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far has he put our sins from us.
When I say I have strayed away from Christ, I mean I have S-T-R-A-Y-E-D, strayed. I have felt strangled by my sin, I find it hard to forgive myself, and look at myself as worthy to even ask Jesus for forgiveness or a healing in my life. My sin i feel has cost others a great deal in my life, see when I am feeling convicted of something I am the Queen of displaced anger, I can easily take what I'm thinking out on others. Because of my sin its been easy for me to be a stumbling block in my friends walk with christ, for those of you who are reading this, I ask for your forgivenss and ask that we get a chance to chat about it. Its very easy for me to get angry about things around me, family for not being there, "friends" who are believers but haven't seen a sister in christ hurting enough to reach out or even invite to a bible study or thier church or church function, and finally God for his voice not being the loudest voice that I hear right now when I need his answers and touch so much. In all of this the common denominator for my feelings of anger and frustration is SIN and ultimatly FAITH is what will heal me... I need to remember that Jesus died for my sin, "he knew me before I was born", "he knows my comings and my goings". I need to forgive me, because Jesus forgives me, he doesn't want his child to feel defeated, angry or frustrated....I serve a God of mercy and love. I pray that you and I can find Gods grace and mercy.
Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far has he put our sins from us.
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